My name is Colonel Merkle, twin brother of Colonel Sanders. Here’s my story… In 1985, my KFC brother has been held captive by the waters of the Dōtonbori River running through Kansai, Japan. He was thrown in by celebrating fans after the Hanshin Tigers won their first, and last, Japan Championship Series. The Tigers are the Japanese version of our Chicago Cubs; devoted fans show up for each and every game with hope the team will win, but more times than not, leave the ballpark saddened by a loss.

On the night of the victory in ’85, fans celebrated on the Ebisubashi Bridge. During the bash, Tiger’s fans began to call out names of players one by one. If they thought a person looked like a Tiger player, the fan was expected to leap from the bridge into the river. Little did my brother know, these fans would nominate him as the one who resembled American player Randy Bass.

When Bass’ name was called, no one from the crowd resembled him. So, they took my brother from the ballpark and tossed him into the water. But he got revenge by casting a curse on the team; “The Curse of the Colonel”. It curses the team from winning a championship until they remove him from the murky waters.

Unlike my twin brother stuck in the river, I am not confined to the corner in Merkle’s. You may see me dancing on the bar or the dance floor, taking trips to the golf course, visiting other bars via a rickshaw, and even at a Bears game in St.Louis! I even have my own facebook page!

But the thing I’m most happy about is the all the attention I get from the ladies! You tell me you wouldn’t enjoy the kisses, rubs, hugs, gropes and feels of every lady who walks through the door?